A Labor of Love : The lost Art of building strong Foundations

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (ESV)Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Disclaimer:

This blog post does not seek to encourage anyone who has been in an abusive relationship. Nor am I advising you to look over someone's horrendous actions to stay with them. On the contrary, I hope this encourages you to think about loving yourself and leaving any toxicity behind it is not worth it and in my own very own opinion, it is not love! I also hope this encourages you to try to love again in a healthier way. All opinions are my own and should not be taken as facts.

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Anything That is easy is almost always not worth having. Loving humans are complicated, including yourself. Because it's simple yet takes diligence and a conscious effort. We have been pitched this image of what love is, and we don't know what to do when that image is disturbed or tested. I do believe in fairy tale love, but I also know that we are seeing the beginning of what is supposed to last forever in these movies and books. Of course, the work has been done to gain the love, but we rarely see stories of keeping the magic alive to ensure that love feels fresh every day. I think that this is because we only look at love through emotion and not the actions that require us to keep it. Love is tested when you see the good, bad, and ugly of people. My favorite... My FAVORITE Tv couple is Whitley and Dewayne from "A Different World." some people watch "Friends" and "Grey's Anatomy" but me? I love some "A Different World." Especially now that I have gone through college and ultimately a few encounters with romance. We got to see so much through Whitley's and Dewayne's relationship. We saw the good, bad, and ugly sides of them. That's the most important part. Are you going to love someone when they're at their ugly stages of growth?

There were so many things that both these characters had to unlearn, re-learn, shed and grow together on. You saw when they were both being frustratingly immature and sometimes disrespectful to each other.

But no one is perfect.

If the good outweighs the bad the majority of the time, are you going to let that stop you from loving someone? Sometimes we can get in our own way. We claim we want something different, something new yet run away when that option is presented to us. Love is work! It requires flexibility, curiosity, and patience. Lots of patience!

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Let's Break it Down.

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (ESV)

Love is patient and kind;

Some people say, " I am ready to love now. I have learned from my past mistakes and I am ready." I hope this makes you think about what exactly did you learn from your past mistakes? I would tell you now when I look back on my past experience I take the time for it to humble me to know that I know/knew nothing. That this experience with this last person should not be carried into this new relationship, and to go into this new thing with curiosity and patience. We try to rush good things and good things take...TIME. I am a romantic, not hopeless, but I love the whirlwind of it all. Now that I have matured. I value learning to love someone patiently. Giving us time to unfold ourselves in the tempo we have set. I can see and experience the beauty of this person and the love we are creating. Yet, I can see the flags if there are any. But most importantly I can see the good, bad, and ugly and decide if I want to participate in this love. Secondly, love is kind. I am a person who has been loved the way others have wanted to love me, but not in the way that I actually needed or desired. I didn't know I had such a "transactional" or "merit-based view of love" until God loved me. God is a steady force. God constantly sends people my way to tell me "God loves me/you." I was annoyed at first. I knew God loved me, but he was telling me that it was unconditional. That I didn't have to perform well all the time to be loved by him. Kindness gives room to those people who are committed to learning what love is despite not knowing how to be or give love. The song, "Teachme" by Musiq Soulchild comes to mind.

love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.

This is crucial, especially for those of you who haven't healed from past wounds committed by trying to love the wrong person. Love should be gentle and grounding. It should feel make you feel protected and vulnerable in the best way. I had to be vulnerable with God.... so vulnerable. Love isn't always 50/50 nor should it be 90/10. You have to recognize and not make excuses when you see these behaviors. I did, and it didn't show up loud it showed up quietly in conversations and actions. Being iced out, violating each other's boundaries, assuming "You should know that!" I didn't have dating experience. I really don't count that experience as a relationship either. It was the first time I was exploring this emotion of love outside of family and friends. It wasn't until God was changing me and he couldn't see it that I realized that he loved an idea of me. He was so rude the last time we talked. Mockingly rude. I understood then but really understand now, he was projecting this kind of love unto me. It's all he knew. That makes me sad, I pray for him still because he was a good guy, who made terrible hurtful decisions, and in truth so did I. (SN: I'm still praying about if I want to talk about that experience or not.)

It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;

Love should never feel like a chore or a compromise. A lot of us can be selfish. We get so upset when someone doesn't do something we want them to do. I see this every day. I am not just talking about romantic relationships here either. I can only control myself. love takes sacrificing the flesh (aka ego and pride and all things that prevent you from seeing the truth and real love.) and committing to your boundaries and openness. Creating a space for love to be here and active. People are not here for my amusement or pleasure. People aren't here to just do what I say! No, they are unique interesting creatures and if I want someone to love me unconditionally, I need to let go of those conditionals. Boundaries keep people from disrespecting you, and from compromising on yourself. Remember Love never ends and you are also to be loved by yourself. Just the way God loves you. If you don't have a personal relationship with God you will come to know just how much God loves and adores his children. You know that Jesus never compromised on his identity he stood ten toes down on it. He even checked people with love about the... Truth.

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Jesus is the living word. Jesus' name was slandered and constantly dragged through the mud. He definitely modeled boundaries with how he was patient with his enemies and loved them too, but also let them know they weren't telling the truth. You see how he chose to focus on the love and counseling of the people who reciprocated that. He had boundaries with those he needed to. The gates to commune and love were always open. But the truth will always stand forever. God's ways are not our own. God does not delight in people abusing others or any other harm caused by someone else. God wants each one of us to be filled with love always. He IS love. God works everything for our good, but not all that hurt is a part of his plan.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Jesus. Literally, this just reminds me of Jesus. God will always guide you to the truth and where love will water you. Love is ever-flowing. It's an infinite resource. But love requires a strong solid foundation. Built inside of you with God.

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Wrapping Up: Driving the Point Home.

I want to take a moment to make sure I am making myself clear. The wrong kind of love can break you. If you are over-giving over sharing- overdoing anything that involves anyone/anything outside of yourself love can turn into something ugly. If you want to build something long-lasting- If you want to really get to experience unconditional love, it requires work on your end. Love requires openness and vulnerability. That means you need to toil for it. Nothing in these verses "screams" easy. We have our moments of ugliness. When we are boastful and envious and even resentful. But love also comes with forgiveness- kindness, and patience. We are human. I hope this inspires you to build healthier relationships around love. To give space to those who want to love but haven't figured out how! Love should look like a harvest. You planted the seeds, watched over them, watered them when needed, and awaited the time for you to reap. Reap good seasons sugars! After all, Love is infinite and ever-flowing.

God Bless,

Troysha G.

Additional Reading: Songs of Solomon or Songs of Songs

Additional Songs:

Everybody Wants to Rule the World- Tears for Fears

I'm Special- Rachelle Ferrell

Love is the Key- Maze

Messy Love- Nao