THE DEEP: YOU VS YOU

There are 3 parts to 'The Deep' Series. Vulnerability, the call, and redemption. I like to start heavy and then work myself up to the light. I hope you stick around to see more.

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The hardest thing you will ever have to do is look in the mirror and say I love you to the things you cannot stand about yourself.

I used to tell myself all the time that I hated myself. I would refuse to look at my reflection and when I did, boy could I could see the heartbreak. I was told I was a lot of things like smart, stupid, pretty-ugly, Immature, wise, patience, selfish.... What should I believe? Deep down I knew I wasn't all of those things, but if all these people are telling me I am, maybe they're right.

Originally...

This is what I was going to lead with, but you know God always brings things back around for further wisdom and understanding. You vs You to me can be defined as: the perception of the "You" people (including yourself) see and the "YOU" God called you to be. No longer would I struggle with this because I have rediscovered the things God has placed inside of me. Coming back to this post, I was writing from an old perspective. This is a picture of me at the Beginning of this Year February 20,2022. Where I cried the whole week leading up to my 24th birthday, and thinking those same thoughts. Heck, I cried the entire weekend.

I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to know that I was good enough. We have a way of letting other people's opinions pull us every which way. I didn't even feel worthy of God's help. I felt worthless in this world. Like, how can God pull out anything good from me? There's nothing good about me. Was the "YOU" God picked out was going to be anything special? (That lets you know how bad it was.) I wanted to be a gift to myself. Would I be in better shape than who I was at that moment? It always felt like something got in the way whenever I decided that this broken, insecure version of myself no longer suited me. This YOU that everyone loved OR hated, I wanted no parts of it. Thing is, God wanted to shape me into someone I never seen before. How does she carry herself? Did she lose her fire? (ABSOLUTELY NOT. I'M STILL A FIRE CRACKER...WITH LOVE!) Does she finally, finally, have boundaries with people that she needs to and not feel bad about choosing herself first? I am gratified that God forced me to face all of those ideals outside of his will for me. This version I am living in... Is so much stronger, kinder, fired up, compassionate, and willing to admit that she was wrong! I will never be perfect. I am not JESUS! But this "You" I'm living in is so much better than anything I could imagine. I took this photo almost a week ago. (Time is a construct it could've been two.) Look at how God got me shining!

It's always hard letting go of what we know, who we know ourselves to be, but if I could go back and tell the version of myself that I was 7 months ago, that God truly loves her and knows what he is doing! I think she would've trusted the process a bit more.

I am happy that I allowed God to work in me and now I am a gift to myself.

Don't question what kind of work God can do for you, pooh! The proof of the pudding is in the eating!

XOXO

TROY <3