The Deep: Woman in the Mirror.

WE are each created to do magnificent things. God plans our life down to the detail, and you have to recognize who you were created to be.

Hey, If you are new here, please check out our ABOUT ME post so you may have a better understanding of what this blog is about and how you can grow in your connection with God.

Who am I? Am I even worthy of God's love?

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Every Time I Come to this blog I sing 'Man in the mirror'

That mirror is something serious. I'm talking about God. God doesn't put you under when he's doing heart surgery on you! It's painful and very messy for the surrounding people, and the aftermath leaves your heart tender but new. I want to share a piece of the poem I wrote not too long ago about this.

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A poem to God: August 13, 2022

I have yet to know a soul who didn’t get lost along the way.

To the tender hearted soul.

The one who carried too many people in their heart.

To the soul that accidentally played God in people's lives.

I will not lose my capacity of love.

Looking for the answers in all the wrong hearts.

Writing distinct possibilities into one scene of my life.

Who are you?

Who was I for all those years? I asked God this. Who was I expecting everyone around me to be when- truth be told, I had unrealistic expectations of myself? Shoot, I couldn't even be consistent with my health all the way around. Ignoring when I didn't feel good, overworking myself, and pushing myself well past what I was comfortable doing. Violating my own boundaries... and the list continues. Real talk, how was that not a reflection of the attributes that some of them exhibited? I want to expound on playing God. This is a newfound revelation from old situations but "Mrs. C," told me, 'Ms. Troy, it's not your job to carry people in your heart. That's God's job." I had been writing since 2021 that I kept too many people in my Garden (heart) that I had no room for my own dreams, love, and growth. That I was going to clean the house and make room for my new seeds. (Sheesh, if God isn't in the details...) So, 2022 hits, God tells me this year is all about self-love. I was like, but God, I love myself! You've taught me how to love myself through you! Truth is, I loved God in me, but I still felt worthless. It felt like God would only call me to counsel other people to minister and that I had to be satisfied with only that. I used to tell people all the time, 'God has something more for you!' But then get sad because I didn't feel like there would be anything else beyond that for me. I would remain broken, getting the bare minimum, and I would have to watch other people excel and I would remain the same. Girl no! It's hard for me not to get emotional writing this. This stemmed from my putting other people above me for years. I would bend over backward to be someone's stepping stone. I was taught to do that from my experiences in life: to love everyone else more than I should ever love myself. Despite knowing differently. Despite knowing and seeing them, use me.

God showed me I was still a hot hallelujah mess of emotions and couldn't see it. It was deeper than that. God said, "No sweet girl, I want to give you a full life, too. YOU DESERVE IT. I love you TOO. You are not secondary, but someone who holds her own space. That's what I am teaching you. You are no one's stepping stone." I never was supposed to be that! God wanted me to be confident and KNOW I could be front and center. That I was strong enough to hold my own. No more sitting in the background waiting for my chance to hit the stage. It was my time to shine. This is why it all starts with you. It's about sustaining everything-EVERYTHING God has for you.

I would've destroyed every promise, and every dream I ever had because of my insecurities. If I continued to feel worthless, continued to feel like my worth only came from helping other people excel, then I would never have a more fruitful life. I would've done exactly what the enemy wanted me to do -

self-sabotage. I cannot see God's full plan for my life. Child, I don't want to either. I am just happy to realize that I can be loved by God all on my own. It amazes me at this current level how I rest in God. How I lean on God, and how I still minister to others without sacrificing myself because of God. God taught me how and why it should always start with me! This season, as in right now, is me truly exhibiting self-love while living in the true love of God. AND I LOVE IT!